


Rats

by vulpixel



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: ???? - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Ratatouille (2007) Fusion, F/F, Inspired by Ratatouille (2007)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:14:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulpixel/pseuds/vulpixel
Summary: i dont remember what possessed me to do this i really have no ideaso anyway this is a ratatouille au
Relationships: Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg
Comments: 27
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> shout out to my friend for encouraging me to actually write this i dont remember who came up with the idea but im gonna perish now thanks

Dorothea adjusts her tie in the mirror and checks her watch. Only five minutes until her shift starts. Working at the most famous restaurant in the Adrestian Empire is a living hell, but someone has to do it. She takes a deep breath. She can already hear the clammer of customers outside. The clock ticks down to her shift. She just needs one moment to gather herself before throwing herself into her waitress persona. The clock hits 5 o’clock, just in time for the dinner hour to start. She clocks in and flings herself into the middle of the commotion.

Delicious smells of food fill the kitchen. The food is the one and only perk of the job. Dorothea likes to sneak bites of leftovers whenever she gets the chance. However, with a crowd of diners incoming, Dorothea has no time to savor anything. Instead, she carries two trays full of food to a table. She ducks and weaves through the crowd. Luckily, her height gives her a bit of an advantage. She holds a tray high above her head as she squeezes by Caspar. The boy barely notices. He is too busy entertaining a customer. Finally, Dorothea reaches her destination. She carefully balances one tray on her hip so she can deliver the food. The customers eagerly take their plates. Their eyes go wide with anticipation.

“Enjoy your meal. I’ll be here if you need me.” Dorothea recites the same speech she gives every customer and shines her fakest smile at them. She quickly turns around to head to fetch the next round of meals.

The rush only gets worse as the night goes on. A crowd forms at the entrance. Linhardt tries his best to seat everyone efficiently. A party of five waits in annoyance as no tables are available for them. Most of the tables are taken by couples. No dinner rush is complete without at least one angry customer.

“There’s an open table right there!” A man yells in Linhardt’s face.

Linhardt remains calm. He wipes the man’s spit from his face. “Sir, you have a party of five. That table is for two people.”

“Just move that table over so we can all fit.”

“Sir, there are people already sitting at that table.”

“Move them somewhere else.” The man demands.

“I’m not going to ask them to move. They’re already eating.”

“Why not?”

Linhardt lets out a deep sigh. “Sir, if you wait, we’ll give your family the next available table.”

“But there’s an empty table right there!”

Dorothea feels bad for her friend. Although working as a host may seem easy, they have to deal with a lot of the bullshit. However, this is not her problem to be dealing with. She heads off to her next table.

The night goes on with its usual chaos. Dorothea runs around until the soles of her shoes burn off. Hours go by in minutes. She steps into the kitchen, immediately crashing into Seteth, the head chef. Shit. Out of anyone to crash into. They both fall to the floor with a crash. His pot of soup goes flying, drenching the man. Soup goes everywhere, drenching the floor.

“Sorry.” Dorothea immediately apologizes.

Seteth glares at her through his soup-soaked hair. He brushes it out of his face to give Dorothea a proper stare. His eyes bore holes into her soul. Dorothea’s heart beats out of her chest. A sense of dread fills the air.

“You’re on thin ice, Danielle.” He growls.

“I’m not-” Dorothea sighs. “I won’t do it again, sir.”

A few cooks watch as the girl gets scolded. Most stay out of Seteth’s way when he is on the warpath, but it is always fun to watch someone get grilled.

“Clean up this mess before I make you lick it off the floor.” Seteth yells. “And someone make me another goddamn French onion soup! Now!”

He stomps off somewhere to let off his steam. Dorothea shakes off her anxiety and rushes to clean up her mess. To her luck, that soup was for one of her customers. Hopefully, they won’t mind a little wait. Who is she kidding? The customer’s gonna be pissed. They always are. Dorothea tries to push that out of her mind as she mops up the puddle of soup.

Caspar hovers around her as she cleans. “Need help?”

“That would be wonderful, Caspar.” Dorothea lets herself untense a bit. At least she has some help now. Caspar always knows how to stay optimistic even when his whole day is going wrong.

He picks up the stray cooking ware from the floor. “This week has really been something, huh?”

“It really has. Ever since Edelgard went missing, this whole restaurant seems to be cursed.”

“Missing? I thought she quit.”

“That’s what Seteth told you. Edelgard hasn’t texted or called me ever since she didn’t show up to work that day. It’s not like her to just fall off the grid like that. And to quit her job so suddenly? She’s so formal. She would’ve sent in a note at least.”

“You’re right. None of that adds up.” Caspar hums. He taps his chin in thought. “Looks like we have a mystery on our hands!”

“Caspar, no.”

“Caspar, yes! I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.”

“After work you will.” Seteth returns. “Go deliver dessert to your four top.”

Caspar snaps to attention. “Yes, sir!”

He grabs a tray of creme brulee and rushes out the door. Dorothea is alone once again.

“Where’s that French onion soup?” A cook yells. The whole kitchen falls into disarray over a single dish. “Felix, did you make it?”

“I’m busy with the pork. I don’t have time to bother with something as trivial as soup.”

“Ashe?”

“I’m chopping vegetables right now!”

“Mercedes?”

“I’m sorry. Was I the one that spilled the soup all over the head chef? No?” The woman stops Dorothea in her tracks. “I believe it was you. Maybe you should make the soup.”

“I would, but don’t know how.” Dorothea answers honestly.

“Do you need me to hold your hand and walk you through it, dear?” Mercedes coos at her. Her demeanor completely changes. However, Dorothea still feels on edge.

“That would be nice. Or at least a recipe.”

“Soup is easy. Just don’t piss in the pot, and you’ll be fine.” Mercedes huffs. “I have canolis to powder. Stay out of my way.”

Dorothea finds herself trapped in the middle of a kitchen holding an empty pot. She sets it on the counter and tries to think. Where would she even start? Literally every single person in the room is more qualified to do this than she is. Her brain struggles to find a solution to her problem. Wait. It’s French onion soup. Onions would be a good place to start. Maybe she is actually a genius. Dorothea hops over to an empty counter to begin cooking. She grabs for an onion only to find that there are none. Fuck. What now? Dorothea works through every scenario in her head. She does not want to make the trek to the storage room. There is no time. She needs this soup yesterday. However, she has no other choice.

The storage room feels like a completely different plane of existence. Once the door shuts, the outside world becomes only a muffled noise. Dorothea lets herself breathe for a moment. She scans the room for her target. She spots the onions sitting on the top shelf. Even at her height, she still has difficulty reaching. It’s funny how onions are hairy. Wait a second. She pulls her hand down to see herself holding a rat. Its beady eyes stare up at her.

“Dorothea! I was hoping I would find you.” That voice sounds too familiar, if not a little squeaky, but it definitely should not be coming out of a rat.

Dorothea screams and drops the rat on the floor. “Oh, god. Did I just get rabies?”

“I would hope I don’t have rabies.” The rat answers.

“Stop talking. You’re not supposed to talk.” Dorothea throws a carrot at it. “You’re a rat.”

“Dorothea!” The rat dodges the incoming carrot. “Stop this nonsense at once and stop wasting food! Listen to me. I desperately need your help.”

“This isn’t happening. I’m leaving. I’m quitting. I can’t do this. Customers are one thing, but this is something else.” Dorothea opens the door to escape. This week has been too much.

“Dorothea! Please don’t leave! It’s me, Edelgard!”

The girl freezes. She looks down at the rat quizzically. “Excuse me?”

“I’m Edelgard. Your friend. I got trapped in a rat’s body.”

“No. No way.”

“Yes.”

“Prove it’s you,” Dorothea says, “How old am I?”

“Twenty four.”

“When’s my birthday?”

“September 29th.”

“How many nipples do I have?”

“Um, I would hope two.” Edelgard responds with confusion. “What kind of question is that?”

“It really is you, Edie.” Dorothea picks the rat back up. “What happened to you?”

“I turned into a rat.”

“I mean like how did that happen?”

“I’ll explain later. There’s no time. You have a soup to cook.”

“Shit. You’re right.” Dorothea grabs the onion and rushes back to the kitchen.

“Dorothea, you can’t just carry me out into the open! I’m a rat in a restaurant! You’ll shut us down!” Edelgard scurries up the girl’s sleeve.

“And hide in my shirt? What are you trying to pull?” Dorothea tries to keep her voice to a whisper. People are starting to stare.

“I need to hide myself.” Edelgard answers. “Besides, you need me close if you want help making that soup. I am the sous-chef after all.”

The sous-chef is a _rat_. Dorothea has no time to question the rat hiding inside her shirt. She needs to get to work. She starts by washing her hands and laying the single ingredient before her on the chopping board. Not a great start, but at least she is making progress.

“You need beef broth. Start heating that up.” Edelgard instructs her. “Then, chop the onions. We’ll need at least two cloves of garlic to add in as well.”

Dorothea does her best to follow the rat’s orders. A savory smell emits from the pot as she stirs. She starts to drool. Maybe, for the first time ever, she will complete a decent dish. She can only hope, as this might cost her her job.

“Dorothea!” Seteth surprises her from behind. He grits his teeth. “Since when were you promoted to chef? Get back out on the floor. You have tables to be serving and tips to be losing. You left a lot of angry customers waiting.”

“Well, you asked me to make the soup.”

“I did not. I asked you to get back to work.”

Dorothea sighs. “Well, it’s done now. I’ll get back out there.”

Seteth shoos her away. “Leave my sight before I fire you.”

“I still can’t stand that little man,” Edelgard says once they are out of earshot.

“Little? Have you seen yourself?” Dorothea giggles at her own joke.

“Oh, shh.” The annoyance in her voice is quite apparent.

The rest of Dorothea’s shift goes by normally.Well, as normally as it can be with a rat hiding inside your uniform. She tries to ignore that fact as best she can; she does not have the time to process that right now. Luckily, work is a great distraction.

At the end of the night, everyone winds down. Dorothea helps bus the remaining tables in preparation for the next day. She is glad the day is finally over. She clocks out and leaves, barely saying goodbye to anyone.

The night is cold as she walks home. The moon shines bright over the city. A small gust of wind blows down the street, giving Dorothea chills. She shoves her hands in her pockets to keep warm. Her breath comes out in a small cloud. Only a couple more blocks. Normally, she would grab a ride with Caspar or Linhardt at the end of the night, but she needs some time to herself to decompress. Besides, sometimes she needs a break from Caspar’s excitement, especially after a long shift.

“This is a nice coat. It’s very warm,” Edelgard says suddenly, reminding Dorothea of her existence. The girl immediately freaks out.”

“Why are you still in my shirt?” Dorothea picks the rat up by the scruff of her neck to glare at her.

“There was nowhere else I could fit. My apologies. Plus, it was quite warm.”

Dorothea sighs. “I’m sorry.. This is just weird. This whole week has been weird, and you just show up in my life as a rat all the sudden. How am I supposed to cope with that?”

“You’re telling me. I was the one turned into a rat. How do you think my week went?”

“Have you been… staying away from cats?”

“Obviously.” The rat answers. “I haven’t gone far from the restaurant since it happened.

“Ew, have you been eating the trash?”

“I would prefer not to answer that.” Edelgard goes quiet.

“I swear to god if you turn back into a human and I catch you picking food out of the trash, we’re not gonna be friends anymore.”

“Understandable. I would do the same thing in your place.”

Dorothea lets out a lingering yawn and keeps walking. She shoves Edelgard into her pocket to keep her warm. From there, she can barely hear her squeaking.

By the time they get home, it is well past midnight. A dark apartment welcomes them. Dorothea tosses her coat off before heading to her bedroom to get ready for bed. Edelgard climbs out of the coat to follow her.

“Oh god. I keep forgetting you’re here.” Dorothea jumps. Again, Edelgard catches her by surprise.

“I was wondering where you wanted me to sleep. I hate to intrude, but I don’t exactly have anywhere else to go, or anyone else to turn to,” Edelgard says.

“You can sleep on the bed. We’re both adults.” Dorothea responds. She peels off her work uniform and dons an oversized t-shirt. “Besides, it’s not like you haven’t slept over at my place before. It’s just different because, well, you’re a lot shorter than usual.”

“I get it. I’m small.” The rat huffs.

“You’re tiny. You fit right in my hands.” Dorothea laughs. She picks up her friend and sets her on a pillow. “I’m gonna go take a shower, but when I get back I expect a full explanation of why the hell you’re a rat.”

She disappears into the bathroom. Her mind runs wild as she tries to wrap her head around the day’s events. There is absolutely no doubt that the rat in her bedroom is her friend and co-worker. But why? How? Is that why she went missing? It explains everything and nothing at the same time. She needs answers, but she fears the answers will only bring more questions. The water starts to run cold as she stands in the shower dissociating. It snaps her back to reality. She hops out of the shower and throws a towel on.

“Edie, you have a lot of explaining to do,” she says when she returns. She throws her towel to the floor. She throws on a pair of boxers and the same shirt.

Edelgard scurries to the edge of the bed. “I’ll explain everything. Promise. But it’s a long story. Do you remember my stepbrother, Dimitri?”

“How could I forget him and his noodle hair.” Dorothea snorts at the thought of his high school haircut. “What’s this have to do with him?”

“He hates me.”

“I gathered that much when he pushed you into the pool at his birthday party.”

Edelgard balls a tiny paw in a fist of rage. “He knows I can’t swim. Why would he invite me to his pool party if he did not have malicious intent?”

“Why did you go?”

‘He’s my stepbrother. I have to respect formalities even if I hate him.”

“Okay, so what does this all have to do with you turning into a rat?” Dorothea gets back to the point, asking the one question she’s been wanting an answer to all night.

“Dimitri turned me into a rat.” Edelgard states.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I’m not kidding you, Dorothea.” She deadpans. “Dimitri put a curse on me to turn me into a rat.”

“Dimitri… cursed you. Like with magic or something?” Dorothea finds this all hard to believe.

“Yeah. What exactly don’t you understand?”

“Magic is real? You can put curses on people? What motivation would Dimitri have to even do this? I get sibling rivalries, but this seems a bit dramatic, even for me.”

“I think he’s trying to sabotage my job. If I don’t show up to work, I get fired. You know he’s the sous-chef at our rival restaurant. He might be trying to take out the competition so he can be the best.”

“This is all so ridiculously petty. Are you absolutely sure Dimitri did this?”

“Yes.” Edelgard schemes. “If only I could turn him into a pig. Then, I could-”

Her friend stops her. “Let’s focus on the whole turning back into a human thing first.”

“Right. Right. My apologies. Now that I'm a rat, I have the brain the size of Caspar's.”

“But let's figure it out tomorrow.” Dorothea yawns loudly. She falls back onto the bed. This is going to be a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

Dorothea wakes up from the weirdest dream. Her alarm blares from across the room. She stands up to go turn it off. She lets out a long yawn as she stretches her back. Slowly, the world comes into focus. That’s when she sees it. The rat standing on her pillow. This time, she keeps herself from screaming.

“Good morning, Dorothea.”

“Good morning, Edie. Did you sleep well?” She bends down to pick up her friend.

“I did. You only knocked me off the bed a couple of times.”

“Sorry about that.” Dorothea sets Edelgard on her shoulder. “Would you like some tea to make up for it?”

“That would be lovely. What kind?”

“Bergamont.”

“Edelgard perks up. “My favorite.”

“I always keep some in the apartment for you just in case.”

“That’s very thoughtful of you.”

The tea kettle boils on the stove while she waits nearby. She scrolls through her phone, googling curses. A youtube channel pops up, explaining different methods of removing a curse. This doesn’t sound too hard. Edelgard watches over her shoulder.

“You really think that’s gonna work?” She says, trying to sound hopeful.

Dorothea shrugs. “It might. It might not. Everything’s worth a try once.”

“I’m not letting you bury me alive inside a jar.”

“Aw, really? I wanted to try that one first. Imagine all the weird looks I’d get at the park.”

The tea kettle hisses before they can discuss further. Dorothea pours two glasses before realizing Edelgard is a bit too small for a mug. She searches through her cupboards for an appropriate dish. She ends up pouring the tea in a small custard bowl. They sit together at the table. Edelgard licks up her tea like an animal. Dorothea finds it quite humorous, but she tries her best to keep her comments to herself.

After their tea, Dorothea retreats to her bedroom to get dressed for the day. Edelgard tags along, not sure what else to do.

“So, what are we trying first?” She asks.

“Uh, none of them.” Dorothea checks her phone. “I have work in an hour. This will have to wait ‘til tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? I’ve been stuck like this for a week.”

“And I have to pay my rent.” The girl bends over to boop the rat on the nose. “I can turn Netflix on my laptop for you before I leave. You’ll have to figure it out from there.”

“Can I come with you? I’m scared to be alone.” Edelgard asks quietly.

“Fine. Just promise me you’ll stay in my bag.”

\----

Dorothea rushes in right as the clock strikes eleven. She tosses her coat to the side and gets straight to work. Luckily, this early in the day, only a few customers show up. The lunch rush won’t hit for another hour. She takes this time to get into character. She takes a deep breath and puts on her signature smile. Any happy thoughts she has are immediately fizzled by Seteth walking in the room.

“Good morning, Seteth.”

“Good morning, Deborah.”

“It’s Dorothea.”

“Dahlia. Sure. whatever. Go check the bathrooms before customers show up.”

“There’s a two top out there right now.” Dorothea points out.

“Oh. Well, go do your job.”

“Yes, sir.” Dorothea sighs. This man needs a life.

As soon as Dorothea steps out of earshot, Edelgard pops her little rat head out of the girl’s uniform. “I can’t wait to turn back into a human so I can take his job and run this kitchen like it should be run.”

“Why are you still in my shirt? I told you to stay in my bag.” Dorothea scolds her.

“I want to be where the action is. It’s interesting seeing the world from your eyes.”

“Do you know how fired I would be if they caught me with you?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll tell them I don’t know you.”

“Because a talking rat in a restaurant is better than a regular rat in a restaurant.”

“I mean, they hired Felix.” Edelgard deadpans.

Dorothea bursts out laughing, turning a few heads. The only two customers in the building stare at her in confusion. She quickly gathers herself, realizing how ridiculous she must look. She clears her throat and heads to her table.

“Hello! I’m Dorothea, and I’ll be your server today. Can I start you off with drinks?” She throws on her fakest customer voice.

“Water.” The old man decides. “She’ll have water too.”

“What if I wanted a diet coke?” The old woman retorts.

“The food is expensive enough here.” The man huffs at her. “And last I checked, I’m the one paying the bill.”

Dorothea holds back the slew of responses running through her head. Why go to the most expensive restaurant in town if only to complain about expenses? Using all her strength, she manages a smile. “Okay. I’ll be back in a few minutes to take your order.”

They’re gonna stiff her on the tip. No doubt about that.

She returns to the kitchen to wait a few minutes. This early in the day, and she already wants to leave. She stands in the corner, just to breathe. The sweet smell of pastries fills the kitchen. She looks over at Annette and Mercedes who prepare the desserts for the day. They work together in perfect harmony. Mercedes puts in the filling while Annette frosts them. She garnishes each one with a raspberry and sets it aside. Once a tray is full, another chef takes it to bring to a rack. Dorothea catches herself drooling as she stares at the pastries. She should’ve eaten breakfast this morning.

“Would you like to try one?” Mercedes notices her staring. “They’re best right out of the oven.”

Annette holds a finished one out for her to taste.

“Oh, thank you.” Dorothea takes the pastry. It practically melts in her mouth. The sweet delicious taste makes all her troubles fade away. For a moment, she feels peace.

“How is it?” Annette asks eagerly. She bounces on the balls of her feet.

“Delicious. This is the best pastry I’ve ever eaten.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Mercedes says, “I tried your French onion soup last night.”

“You did? I’m sorry.” As much as Dorothea would like to think she can cook, she absolutely cannot. Everything she touches gets burnt. She’s surprised the French onion soup survived her treatment.

“Don’t apologize. It was actually really good.” Mercedes leans in to whisper in her ear. “And don’t let anyone know I told you this, but Seteth really enjoyed it. He took the leftovers home for himself. He said it reminded him of Edie’s cooking.”

“Really?” Dorothea cannot believe her ears.

“Yes. Really. I had no idea you knew how to cook, Dorothea!”

“Like you said, making soup is easy.” She laughs it off. “I just need the right mentor.”

“Have you ever thought about becoming a chef?” Mercedes wonders.

“Oh, god, no. I’m not a good cook.”

“Really? That’s a shame considering we have a spot open since Edelgard left. I would hate for Felix to get that spot.”

“I don’t think I could do it. Those are pretty big shoes to fill. Well, metaphorically speaking not literall- ow-’' Dorothea flinches as Edelgard bites her.

Mercedes looks at her, confused. “Are you okay? What just happened?”

“Just some heartburn. Nothing serious.”

“Are you sure? I keep some Tums on me. I’ll go get it.” She rushes off, leaving Dorothea alone with Annette.

Annette laughs. “She does that a lot. She’ll probably forget why she went into the breakroom and come back with something completely different.”

“Well, tell her I said thanks. I gotta get back to my table.” Dorothea excuses herself. “Thanks for the treat!”

“Good luck!” Annette waves goodbye. She’ll need it.

\----

Dorothea relaxes on the couch on her day off. She spends her time watching Youtube videos about various curses and how to get rid of them. Edelgard lies on the armrest of the couch, watching over her shoulder.

“So I’ve been reading up on curses,” Dorothea says, reading off her phone, “I’m gonna need a strand of your hair.”

“My rat hair or my human hair?” Edelgard wonders.

“Good question.” The girl has no answer for her. No google search would exactly cover that question. “Maybe both for good measure?”

“We would have to go back to my apartment to get a sample of my hair.”

“Unless I have some here.” Dorothea hopes. She wanders into her bedroom, taking the rat with her. “Which of these jackets have you borrowed recently?”

“How often do you do laundry?”

“Often enough. Answer the question.”

“I like your old college jacket. It’s a nice shade of red.”

Dorothea pulls it off the rack and searches it for any strands of hair. Unfortunately, she only finds her own. The jacket is littered with long brown hairs. She really should do laundry more often.

“Maybe some hair ties?” Edelgard suggests. “Your hair brush?”

They check both. To their dismay, they only find more brown hairs. It is impossible to pick apart anything. The only conclusion they come to is that Dorothea needs to clean more often.

“Let’s just do this with rat hair. Actually, would Hubert know anything about breaking a curse?” Dorothea wonders out loud.

“We will not bring Hubert into this. I do not wish to worry him. Also, I don’t want to admit to anyone that I’m currently a rat.”

“Would Bernadetta know?”

“Let’s try to keep this between us, please. Again, telling people I’m a rat isn’t exactly my goal. I want to get this over with nice and clean.”

“Fine.” Dorothea sighs. “I’ll just follow the youtube tutorial.”

The two head out with the strangest shopping list. Dorothea buys incense at the local vape shop. They find charcoal at Home Depot. After all is said and done, they reconvene back at the apartment. Dorothea sets up her candles on her kitchen counter. She tries her best to follow the instructions. The video tutorial plays in the background as they begin.

“Do you feel any different?” Dorothea asks.

“I’m still a rat.”

“What? I lit the incense and everything. I even bought the nicest one they had.”

“Maybe the curse is too strong.”

“Stronger than the jasmine? Maybe we need your human hair.” Dorothea rubs her face as she tries to think of another solution. “Do you have a key to your apartment?”

“I don’t have pockets, Dorothea.”

“Right. Right.” She paces the kitchen. “There’s gotta be more curse breaking stuff. Let’s try those first. This article here says to just take a bath with some sea salt.”

“Do you have sea salt?”

“I have regular salt. I think.” She digs through her cupboards. “Ah! Here! Salt.”

They make their way to the bathroom. Dorothea fills the tub, taking care to check the temperature. Edelgard balances on the ledge, looking down at the water. Dorothea pours a hunk of salt into the tub and picks up the rat.

“Ready?” She asks.

“Please don’t let me drown. I don’t know how to swim.”

“I know, dear. I won’t let you drown. That would be missing the point.” Dorothea gently lowers her into the water.

Edelgard fights against it, despite volunteering for it. She wriggles in Dorothea’s grip. “I don’t like this. I’m sitting in salt with a little bit of water.”

“More salt, more cleansing.” Dorothea shrugs it off. She starts scrubbing the rat thoroughly. “Okay, I’m gonna rinse you under the faucet now. Close your eyes.”

She douses Edelgard in a generous amount of water. Edelgard comes out soaked. She shakes herself off. Her fur puffs out. Dorothea snorts.

“You look gorgeous.” She jokes.

“I have never felt more humiliated in my entire life.”

“So you don’t feel any different?”

“I feel a lot colder.”

“Aw, poor baby.” Dorothea hugs her close to warm her. “Maybe we need some herbs or rocks to cleanse your aura.”

“None of this is working, Dorothea. I’m gonna be stuck like this forever.” Edelgard sighs. She rests her head on Dorothea’s shoulder.

“Don’t look so glum. We’ll get through this together.”

“Says the one who is a human and not a rat.”

“Do you want my help or not?”

“Yes please.”

“Alright. Let’s take another trip out to that weird vape shop. They should have some more jasmine or whatever. We could try sandalwood. Chamomile perhaps?”

They venture out on another shopping trip. Edelgard settles into the pocket of Dorothea’s sweatshirt. It protects her against the cold weather. They wander around the shop, looking for anything that looks useful. They choose a few herbs, some rocks, and another candle for good measure. Dorothea sets them on the counter. The cashier starts ringing up their bill. She handles each different item carefully.

“You have a curse?” She suddenly speaks up.

Dorothea blinks at her. “How did you know?”

“I specialize in these kinds of things. I mean, I own this store.”

“This is a vape shop.”

“Well, yes. I need to make money too, but curses are my specialty.” The woman answers. She leans over the counter. “Tell me more about this curse. Maybe I can help you.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” Dorothea’s eyes wander downward.

“Tell me anyway. You won’t know until you say it.”

“My friend got turned into a rat, and I don’t know how to turn her back.”

“A rat you say? Interesting. Those kinds of curses are quite rare nowadays. They were pretty popular during the Black Plague. For obvious reasons.”

“So you know how to break the curse?”

“I have a few remedies you can try. Don’t use this candle. It’ll just make the curse stronger. And try this incense instead.” The woman starts stacking products on the counter.

“Okay. Cool. How much?”

“I’ll give you a discount. Ninety dollars for everything.”

Dorothea chokes on her own spit. She begrudgingly pulls out her wallet and forces a smile. “Sounds good to me.”

By the time they arrive back at the apartment, hours have past. Dorothea walks in with armfuls of bags. She sets them on the kitchen counter. Edelgard hops out of her jacket.

“Let’s do this,” she says with determination.

A few attempts later, and nothing happens. Dorothea flips through a book of spells while Edelgard rolls around in the center of a small shrine, trying to make it do anything. The incense burns low. The candles start to become a puddle of wax.

“So there’s good news, and there’s bad news.” Dorothea closes the book.

“Tell me the bad news first.”

“We need your real hair to make this work.”

“And the good news?”

“The apartment smells absolutely wonderful.”

Edelgard groans. “This is never gonna work. I might as well give up now.”

“It’s okay. We’ll get some of your human hair, and this mess will be all over.”

“Right now?”

“Well, maybe after lunch.” Dorothea’s stomach grumbles. She forgot to eat again.

“After lunch, then.” Edelgard agrees. “Can we eat something other than cereal this time?”

“We can have toast. I have butter and jam in the fridge.”

“Dorothea, I want real food.”

“Don’t you eat trash? Ow! Stop biting me.”

“Stop giving me reasons to bite you.”

“If I get rabies, I swear I’m leaving you as a rat forever.”

“For the last time.” Edelgard huffs at her. “I don’t have rabies.”

“I’m sorry. I just like teasing you.” Dorothea apologizes.

“Can we decide on lunch now?”

“I could order takeout.”

“That would be the simplest solution. However, I really miss the comfort of a good home cooked meal.”

“I don’t know how to cook, Edie.”

“I do. I can teach you.”

“How would you be able to teach me? You’re a rat.”

“A rat that saved your job when you needed that French onion soup.” Edelgard reminds her.

Dorothea lights up. “You’re right! Oh, Edie, you’re a genius! You can teach me how to cook.”

“Wait, you actually want me to teach you?”

“Yeah. It’ll be fun. Just like old times.”

“Just like old times? I’ve been trying to teach you to cook for years.”

“And I’ve ruined countless meals. Maybe this time will be the one.”

“Let’s get to work then.” Edelgard rubs her paws together. “First, let’s see what you have in the fridge.”

Dorothea opens the fridge. A disappointing array of nothing lies before her. She stares at the fridge a while longer as if there is food she just hasn’t seen yet. They both stare at the barren fridge for a while.

“So.” Dorothea concludes. “We’re out of milk.”

“And everything,” Edelgard says, “Do you really live like this?”

They end up getting takeout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek what to say uhhh hope yall are havin a good one  
> twit [ _vulpixel ](https://twitter.com/_vulpixel)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owo whats this?

“I’m just gonna walk in there, talk to Hubert, find your hair, get out.” Dorothea repeats to herself over and over. “It’ll be easy. Hubert won’t find anything suspicious at all.”

“If you can get into my room, grab my hairbrush,” Edelgard says. She sits on the woman’s shoulder as they walk up the stairs.

“Will Hubert even let me into your apartment?”

“He should. He may be stubborn, but he has our best interests in mind.”

“We’ll see about that. I’m not you.”

They approach the door. Edelgard hides in her coat pocket, peeking out only slightly to watch the ordeal. Her beady eyes poke out. Dorothea takes a moment to gather herself before knocking on the door. She has no reason to feel nervous, but she only has one more shot at helping Edelgard. Hubert answers quickly. His eyes peer through Dorothea’s soul. Normally, it would not bother her, but today she can feel it.

“What are you doing here?” He interrogates her. “Edelgard is not in at the moment.”

“I know she’s not. I came to chat,” Dorothea says, keeping her calm. Her heart rate picks up. However, she knows how to stay in character.

“This is hardly the time for chatting.”

“Did I catch you leaving?”

“No.”

“Then, may I come in? I just want to talk about Edelgard.”

“There is nothing to talk about unless you know where she is. Do you know something I don’t? Your face says it all.” The man glares at her.

“I don’t know anything.” Dorothea lies. _Does he know?_ “That’s why I’m here. I’ve only seen her at work before she went missing. Do you know if she was having trouble in her alone time? Maybe a family member died. I doubt she was kidnapped. She can kick the crap out of anyone who tries to touch her. There has to be a reasonable explanation for her vanishing like that.”

“I have my theories,” Hubert says, slowly closing the door, “I would prefer to keep them to myself. I do not see how you could assist me in finding her.”

That statement angers Dorothea, but she knows that would only make it worse. Instead, she throws her plan away in favor of improvising; that class has to be good for something. She sniffles as tears start to roll down her cheeks. She breaks out sobbing.

“Hubert,” she says through loud sobs. The entire hallway can definitely hear her. “I’m just so afraid she’ll never come back. I never got to tell her how I really feel about her, and now she’s gone. I just hope she’s okay.”

She throws herself at the man. Hubert stands there confusedly. He stiffly pats her back in an attempt to comfort her. Dorothea cries as loud as she can. She buries her face in Hubert’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, Dorothea. We will find her.”

“I don’t know what I’d do with myself if she was really gone. What if she never comes back? Hubert, what if she never comes back?”

“She’ll come back. Promise.”

Dorothea continues to cry, making sure all the neighbors can hear. One door props open, and a woman pokes her head out to watch. Hubert grows increasingly uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry.” Dorothea dabs at her wet eyes. “This is probably the last thing you wanted to deal with today.”

“No. It’s okay.” Hubert’s tone changes. “Please, come in. I’ll make you some tea, and you can let out all your worries.”

“Oh, thank you, Hubert. You’re a really good friend.” She conjures up an ugly cry. “Just like… Edelgard was. Oh, I miss her.”

“Let it out, Dorothea. Everything will be okay.” Hubert leads her inside and sits her on the couch. “What kind of tea would you like?”

“Bergamont…” Her voice trails off into a whisper. “It was her favorite tea.”

He disappears into the kitchen, leaving Dorothea alone to sniffle to herself. Quickly, she gets up and heads toward Edelgard’s room. She glances back to make sure Hubert is occupied at the moment before slipping inside.

Edelgard’s room is in pristine condition. Not one stray garment lies on the floor. Dorothea finds herself a tad jealous, but she needs to focus on the task at hand. She rushes to the woman’s desk. The brush sits atop a pile of books. Dorothea quickly snatches it and stuffs it in her pocket.

“Dorothea?” Hubert looms behind her. “What are you doing in Edelgard’s room?”

The woman immediately panics. Her heart jumps out of her chest.

“I was going to the bathroom to check my makeup,” Dorothea says, masking her fear, “I just passed by Edie’s room, and I miss her so much I just wanted to look around.”

“Why do you need to look around? She is not here.”

“You know when you wear your boyfriend’s jacket, and it comforts you even when you’re apart because it smells like him?”

Hubert pauses a moment. “Dorothea, are you in love with Edelgard?”

“I am. Terribly. I’m just afraid I’ll never get to tell her.” She breaks out crying again. She crashes into Hubert for a hug. He holds her tight.

“If you want, you can take one of her jackets.” He sighs. “If it would help.”

Dorothea wipes away her tears. “It would.”

She picks out Edelgard’s old marching band championship hoodie. It is from the year they won championships. The tea kettle hisses in the other room. Hubert snaps to attention.

“I’ll bring out the tea for you. Take your time in here,” he says softly. Well, as softly as the man can muster. He heads back out to the kitchen.

Dorothea already has what she came for. Still, she lingers in her friend’s room a while longer. Edelgard pokes out of her pocket.

“That was very smooth.” She compliments her as soon as the door shuts. “How are you so good at that?”

“I was in the drama club in high school. You knew that.” Dorothea responds. “Plus, after working in customer service for so long, you get good at these kinds of things.”

“Quite amazing. You’re full of hidden talents.”

“You flatter me.”

“Really! I mean it. I would never be able to do that. Especially to Hubert. He’s my best friend. I would never lie to him.”

Dorothea frowns. “Am I not your best friend?”

“You are! I’ve just known Hubert longer. He’s basically family. You’re different.”

“How so?”

“Well, I don’t see you as a sister.”

“Good to know.”

“May I ask you a question, Dorothea?”

“What is it?”

Edelgard goes quiet, as if suddenly embarrassed. “Did you mean those things you said?”

“What things?”

“About being in love with me.”

Dorothea laughs it off. “I had to say what I had to to get what we needed. And luckily it worked.”

“Oh. Well, that was very good acting.”

She detects a hint of disappointment in her voice. She must be imagining it. Rat voices sound different than humans anyway.

The conversation ends there as Dorothea returns to the living room. She does not want to keep Hubert waiting too long. The tea is already set out on the coffee table. Hubert leans back in his chair. He smiles when he sees Dorothea.

“Are you feeling a little better now?” He asks her.

Dorothea nods. “A little bit. Thank you for your help.”

She takes a sip of her tea. Of course, it is still too hot, but she powers through. It burns down her throat.

“Which jacket did you end up choosing?” Hubert wonders, seeming genuinely curious. He takes a sip of his own tea, unaffected by the scalding temperature.

“I took her old marching band hoodie. The one from state championships.”

“That was a good show that year. Edelgard was very proud of her performance. She was very dedicated.”

“I assume you have to be. It’s a long commitment.”

“Did you ever go to any of her shows?” Hubert asks curiously. “I remember her dragging me along to see your plays and musicals. Bye Bye Birdie was, well, it was something.”

“She brought you along for those?” Dorothea laughs. “Well, I made sure to go to as many competitions as I could if that makes you feel any better.”

“It does. She always hoped you would watch her. It helped her get over her anxiety of performing in front of so many people.”

“That’s adorable.” Dorothea hides her smile behind her tea cup. “I get stage fright too. Everyone does.”

“I don’t.”

“Well, you’re weird.”

The two go quiet as they sip their tea. It feels pleasantly awkward. Dorothea tries to think of an excuse to leave. Huber clears his throat, seeming like he wants to say something.

“Just because Edelgard isn’t here, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.” His words seem hesitant, but he means them.

“That’s very sweet of you, Hubie. I feel like I owe you lunch now.”

“Oh, you are not required to do anything in return for this. I just know Edelgard cares about you a lot, and I would hate for her to see you so sad.”

“It’s no big deal, really. I work at a restaurant. I get a nice employee discount.”

“Then, maybe I will take you up on that offer.”

Dorothea stands up, seeing her chance for escape. Although, she is starting to enjoy Hubert’s company. “We’ll have to set up a date then. I’ll shoot you a text when I get home.”

“I’ll see you around, Dorothea. Thanks for stopping by.”

“Anytime, Hubie.”

She gets all the way to the door before Hubert stops her.

“Dorothea, wait.”

She turns around. “What is it?”

“You already know this, but Edelgard does care about you a lot. If she ever comes back, I think you should tell her how you feel. I think she feels the same way.”

“What do you mean?”

“She just speaks about you so fondly. I would not be surprised if her feelings for you were more than platonic.”

Dorothea, for once in her life, finds herself at a loss for words. “I’ll think about it. Goodbye, Hubert.”

“Goodbye.” The door shuts behind her, leaving her alone with Edelgard in her pocket. The rat seems strangely quiet on the walk home. Neither of them mention it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you know how hard it is to write homoerotic scenes when one of them is a rat a literal actual rat??????

They manage to go the entire trip without saying a word to each other. Once in the apartment, Dorothea forces herself to break the silence. She clears her throat.

“So, I have your hairbrush, complete with silver hairs. Let’s finally break this curse so we can move on with our lives. How’s that sound?” She says, trying to sound optimistic. Technically speaking, it has to work eventually, right?

“Our lives?” Edelgard questions her.

“Do you know how much time and money I invested into this? I want you back, Edie.”

“Me too.” The rat sighs.

“Cheer up.” Dorothea scratches Edelgard’s chin. “This’ll be over in no time.”

Dorothea lays the components onto the table while Edelgard feebly attempts to push the candles into position. Her tiny rat paws struggle to prop up the incense in the ashtray. Dorothea strikes a match. She lights the incense along with the three candles. The calming smell of burning candles fills the apartment. A small cloud of smoke emits from the display.

“Okay, we already lit the candles. Now we burn the hair up with the incense, and then we- oh. I must have skimmed over this part.”

“What part?” Edelgard asks, sounding worried.

“The blood part.”

“The _what_ part? Do my ears deceive me?”

“I need three drops of your blood.”

“You’re not stealing my blood.” The rat starts backing away. She cowers in fear.

Dorothea sighs. “Do you wanna become human again or not?”

Edelgard contemplates it for a moment. “Fine. Do it. But whatever you prick me with better me clean. I refuse to go to the doctor over this.”

“You mean the vet.”

She shoots Dorothea a glare. “I am _not_ going to the vet.”

“It’ll be clean. I promise.”

“Promise?”

“Promise!”

The woman wanders off to the bathroom to find anything sharp. She ends up finding a safety pin in a random drawer. A dousing of rubbing alcohol cleans it up nicely. Edelgard stares at it. Her beady rat eyes hide her emotions well, but Dorothea can sense her obvious discomfort. She does her best to stay calm.

“You won’t even feel it,” she says, trying to act casual.

“I most definitely will. Where are you going to prick me?”

“I, uh, maybe I should google that.” Dorothea pulls her phone back out. She types in a number of odd things into the search bar. Interesting results pop up. Edelgard reads over her shoulder.

“I suppose not a lot of people are taking blood from rats.”

“I’m sure someone’s done it before.” Dorothea intently reads a veterinarian’s article on giving pets shots. “This seems easy enough. Let’s do this.”

“I’m scared.”

“Don’t be scared! That’s the first step. Mental preparation. We both have to be calm about this. Get in my lap.”

“Why?” Edelgard protests.

“So you won’t jump when I poke you.”

“I’m not an animal. I know how to handle my wits.”

“I’m just following what the article says!” Dorothea looks back to her phone. “Okay, we can improvise a bit. I’m gonna hold you down and prick you.”

“Dorothea, I swear if you kill me trying to break this curse I will- ow!”

“Another good method for giving someone a shot is distracting them.” Dorothea grins. She picks Edelgard back up and holds her over the burning bowl of incense. Gently, she squeezes the rat to get the blood out. The blood drips into the bowl, hissing as it hits the flame. Dorothea chants a poem off her phone. She has a particular cadence to it. An ominous aura surrounds her. The candles flicker. Edelgard closes her eyes, trying to feel anything changing inside her. A flash of heat hits her. She opens her eyes only to be disappointed yet again.

“It didn’t work,” she says sadly.

“We did every step correctly. I don’t get how it didn’t work. There has to be some little mistake we made.” Dorothea frowns. She picks up her phone to read over the steps once more. “Nope. we did everything it asked.”

“Now I’m bleeding out for nothing.”

“Don’t be a baby. It’s just a little blood. Would you like me to kiss it better?”

“No. That would be humiliating.”

“Fine. Let’s get you cleaned up.” Dorothea picks her up and carries her into the bathroom. She sets Edelgard on the counter and lightly dabs at the wound. Edelgard continues to sulk as she does so.

“Hey, cheer up. We’ll figure this out,” Dorothea says.

“I’m going to be stuck like this forever.”

“Not if I can help it. There’s still plenty of methods we have yet to try. I’ll spend every last paycheck on you, if it means I get to see your smile again.”

“You’d really do that for me?” Edelgard asks, looking up at the woman.

“Absolutely. That’s what friends are for. ”

\----

Dorothea and Edelard lie on the couch watching Youtube videos. Time goes by quickly with each episode of Bon Appétit. Dorothea’s stomach rumbles loudly as Claire bakes a gourmet Pop Tart. Edelgard perks up, obviously having heard it.

“You need to eat,” she says.

“I don’t have any food in the fridge.” Dorothea responds, clicking on another video.

“Then, let’s go grocery shopping. You need to learn how to cook.”

“I don’t want to learn how to cook. I’m perfectly content making cereal- ow! Did you just bite me?”

“I’m going to bite you again if you don’t go grocery shopping right now. I refuse to have Captain Crunch for dinner again.” Edelgard huffs at her.

“Ooh. Kinky- stop biting me! I’ll go grocery shopping!”

\----

The rat sits on Dorothea’s shoulder as they walk. The sun has come out for the day, a rare sight as they get deeper into fall. The two enjoy the nice weather as they leisurely walk to the bus stop, ignoring the strange looks from passersby.

“So what are we gonna make?” Dorothea asks Edelgard.

“What are you in the mood for? I can make just about anything.”

“What about…” Dorothea snickers to herself. “Ratatouille?”

“Very funny.” The rat deadpans. “But yes. I can make ratatouille if that is what you desire.”

“Let’s make it, then. I’ll try anything once.” _Especially if Edelgard made it_.

A few people stand idle at the bus stop. Most stare at their phones, paying no attention to their surroundings. Others gaze off into the distance, completely unaware of the world around them. Soon, the bus screeches to a halt at the stop. A blast of air releases, and the doors open. The crowd makes their way onto the bus. Dorothea gets stuck standing. She hangs on tight as the bus moves along.

“Excuse me, ma’am.” Someone pokes at her shoulder.

“Yes?” Dorothea turns around.

“Are you aware there is a rat on your shoulder?” A man asks her.

“I am quite aware.”

The man pauses a moment, surprised at the answer. “May I ask why there is a rat on your shoulder?”

“Well, how else am I supposed to take her places?” Dorothea responds as if it were obvious.

The man blinks at her dumbfounded. “I suppose. I’ve just never seen it before. She’s very well trained.”

“I trained her very well.” She grins, earning a glare from the rat sitting on her shoulder.

\----

The grocery store, as usual, is filled with people. Customers wander about with baskets filled with various items. Dorothea wanders down aisles she has never been in before. Edelgard hides in the hood of her jacket.

“You make ratatouille with eggplant?” Dorothea asks, sounding surprised.

“Have you never eaten ratatouille before?”

“I’ve never had eggplant before. Vegetable or otherwise.”

Edelgard blatantly ignores that last comment. “Eggplant is very good, even prepared on its own. It’s worth a try.”

“I’ll buy an eggplant, but I’m buying a peach too.”

“Must you always be like this?” Edelgard groans.

“Yes, and you love it. Don’t lie.” Dorothea picks up a particularly large eggplant. She spends a minute scrutinizing it before deeming it worthy and setting it in the basket. They set out to gather the rest of the ingredients.

\----

A plethora of vegetables sit before them. Dorothea stares down at them in confusion. She tentatively holds a knife in her hand.

“Please tell me you know how to use a knife,” Edelgard says, keeping a safe distance away from the woman.

“Do you not trust me?” Dorothea calls out to the rat who is all the way across the room. She waves the knife around while imitating a ghost.

“I trust you.” She lies, backing up a step.

“Then, come over here and help me.”

Tentatively, Edelgard scurries over. She takes her place on Dorothea’s shoulder.

“You can’t sit there,” Dorothea says, “It restricts my arm movement.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“Get in my shirt.”

“I can’t see from in there.” Edelgard argues.

“Fine. I’ll unbutton it so you can see.” The woman starts undoing the buttons of her shirt.

“Dorothea, I hardly find that appropriate.” Edelgard averts her eyes. “Could I just sit on your head?”

“Sure. You’ll be my brain for a while.” She gently sets her atop her head. “Tell me what to do, chef.”

“First, start with the eggplant. Cut it into slices. Not too thick.”

Dorothea starts slicing the eggplant. “I’m sure there’s a joke in here somewhere.”

“I do not wish to hear it.”

“Too bad. I just thought of it. I’m going to take a video and send it to Ferdinand.”

“You will not.”

The woman reaches for her phone. Edelgard, in a pint-sized attempt to stop her, pulls on her hair. Dorothea’s arms fling up, sending the knife into the ceiling. It wedges itself in the ceiling, getting completely stuck. Dorothea freezes, trying to process what happened. The two stare up at the knife in disbelief.

“What just happened?” She asks quietly.

“I… have no idea.” Edelgard cannot find an answer for the life of her.

“Did I just have a seizure?”

“That’s not what a seizure is, Dorothea.”

“Do you have a better explanation?”

“Did I catch you by surprise, maybe?”

“Pull my hair again.” Dorothea demands.

“What?”

“Pull it again.”

Edelgard does just that. She takes a handful of hair into her tiny rat paws and pulls. To both of their surprise, Dorothea’s arm moves in sync with it. Edelgard tries again, needing more proof to test the various theories running through her head. She plays puppetry with the woman’s arms. Dorothea, helpless to all this, lets her. She stares at her own arms in disbelief as Edelgard controls them like a mecha.

“How?” Dorothea wonders out loud.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Edelgard says.

“Can I have my arms back?”

“In a moment. I want to try something first.” Edelgard pulls on her hair once more. She pilots Dorothea around the kitchen. Carefully, she eases Dorothea onto her tip toes to grab the knife. With a quick tug, she manages to make Dorothea grab the knife and dislodge it from the ceiling.

“I’m pretty sure that’s coming out of my deposit.” Dorothea sighs.

“I’ll pay for that one. Promise.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just in shock about all this.”

“Me too.”

“So, does this mean you can literally force me to cook?”

“Absolutely.”

“As weird as this is to say, go right ahead.” It only means less work for her.

Once all the vegetables are chopped, they move onto the sauce. By Edelgard’s paw, Dorothea pours olive oil onto the pan. It sizzles as it heats up. She throws in the garlic haphazardly. The onions go next. Then, the peppers. They slowly roast as Dorothea idly stirs them around. Delicious smells fill the apartment. Dorothea’s mouth starts to water. Her stomach growls, reminding her she forgot to eat lunch.

“You know, cooking isn’t that bad.” She comments.

“You say that, yet I’m the one doing all the work,” Edelgard says. She puts all her focus into the meal. She takes her time choosing the perfect seasonings. However, Dorothea does not have much to work with. She adds in some pepper and basil to the mix.

The vegetables roast in the pan once the sauce is done. Dorothea sets Edelgard down and goes to prepare the table for their meal. It feels like a special occasion, so Dorothea decides to crack open a bottle of wine.

“Can rats have wine?” She asks, already pouring a second glass.

“Why would rats drink- oh,” Edelgard says, “I’ve had a stressful day. Pour me a glass.”

“Will do.” Dorothea pours a third portion into a shallow dish.

Once the table is set, they both sit down for a romantic evening. Dorothea lights a couple candles to set the mood. She eagerly grabs her fork and digs in. Edelgard does the same. She nibbles on a slice of eggplant. She looks up to Dorothea to see what she thinks.

Dorothea takes her first bite. The sensation hits her all at once. The roasted garlic, the hint of heat from the red pepper, the sweetness of the tomatoes, the texture of the squash. Everything is perfect. Dorothea has a hard time believing she made it with her own two hands, even with the help of a certain rat. She takes another bite, savoring each moment between chewing and swallowing. This must be what heaven feels like.

“How is it?” Edelgard wonders. She waits eagerly for her answer.

“This is fantastic,” Dorothea says through a mouthful. She cannot bear to set down her fork for even a minute. “We need to make this again.”

Dinner goes by quietly. Dorothea ends up half asleep on the couch. She finishes off her second glass of wine. Edelgard stumbles on the coffee table. She flops down on a coaster.

“Dorothea.” She mumbles. “Why do I have paws? They’re so small and stupid. Why couldn’t I get turned into a cat? I actually like cats.”

“Edie, are you drunk?”

“No. Are you?”

“Yes.”

Edelgard hesitates. “Me too.”

Dorothea reaches out to pick Edelgard up. She gently sets the rat on her chest. “I can’t remember the last time I saw you drunk.”

“It was in high school. Senior year. You made me go to one of your drama club parties.”

“Oh yeah. I remember you dragging Hubert along too.”

“And he just stood awkwardly behind us the whole time.”

“Not the whole time.” Dorothea corrects her. “Ferdie came over and started flirting with him. I remember them leaving together.”

“That’s not what happened. Hubert got scared of Ferdinand, so he left early to avoid him.”

“That sounds like Hubert.”

“I do remember having fun that night.”

“Really? I was too drunk to remember anything.”

“It was so long ago. I barely remember anything.”

“Me neither,” Dorothea says through a yawn, “We should watch a movie. Just like old times.”

“What movie?” Edelgard asks.

“Legally Blonde.”

“Really? You’ve made me watch that movie at least fifty times.”

“Oh, c’mon. You love that movie.”

“No. I just watched it so I could spend time with you.”

“That’s adorable, Edie.” Dorothea coos at her.

“Please, Dorothea. You’re embarrassing me.” The rat looks away, trying to hide her face.

“I can’t help it if you get embarrassed by the truth.” She playfully pokes at Edelgard.

“Can we watch the movie now?”

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> white eggplants look like eggs and thats where they get their name from  
> [twit](https://twitter.com/_vulpixel)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final chapter!!!!!! finally!

Work is, as always, busy and miserable. The weekend only promises more customers and more pain. The stress piles on as the dinner rush looms ominously in the distance. Dorothea braces herself. No amount of tips make this worth it. Still, rent needs to be paid.

Time passes quickly enough. With the customers pouring in faster than anyone can serve, one stops noticing the time. Dorothea surely doesn’t even have time to glance at the clock as she runs around balancing trays of food. Luckily, she has a pocket rat to play as her personal life coach.

“Just half an hour left,” Edelgard gives her a pep talk from inside her pocket, “You got this.”

“Just half an hour,” Dorothea repeats breathlessly. She leans against the kitchen wall trying to catch her breath.

The kitchen staff starts to clean up the kitchen for the night. Only a few customers linger out on the floor.

“I didn’t realize you were on break,” Seteth says condescendingly. He shoots a glare at the poor woman.

“I haven’t even had a break today! I’ve been working since noon!” She quips back.

Her manager frowns. “I guess I forgot to give you one. Much like you forgot to bring dessert to table five.”

“I didn’t forget. The check got thrown away. Besides, I made up for it and paid for their desserts, which were quite expensive if I may add, out of pocket.”

“I suppose I can’t stay mad at you if you made up for it, but just know I’m keeping a close eye on you.”

_When aren’t you?_ Is what Dorothea wants to say.

“Yes, sir.” Is what Dorothea actually says.

Her compliance satisfies Seteth. He gives her one last glare before walking away to torment some other poor soul. Dorothea breathes a sigh of relief and goes back to work. She goes to refill the water pitches with fresh ice. Something about using tap water in a five star restaurant brings her great joy. The irony of it all strikes all the right places.

As she brings out the pitchers, a customer walks in. There’s always the one customer who comes in right as the kitchen staff is cleaning up for the night. Unfortunately for them, management would hate to refuse any customer. Even if it means making the entire kitchen staff stay an hour later.

However, this customer is another beast in itself. The air changes as he walks through the doors. The hostess stands up straight. Her hands shake as she greets him with a smile. Seteth drops his notebook when he sees him. He quickly picks it back up and retains her calm countenance. He clears his throat and turns to Dorothea.

“Dorothea, this one’s for you,” he says.

_Great_. It should be obvious enough. There’s no other servers on staff this late in the evening.

“Yes, sir,” she answers diligently. She can’t help but feel something is terribly wrong. With a deep breath, she straightens her back and puts on her best customer smile.

As she steps out into the dining room, they lock eyes. Even from across the room Dorothea could never forget that face. Something primal stirs within her. Edelgard peeks out, wondering what is going on.

“Dorothea, are you okay?” She asks concernedly, “Your heart rate suddenly- oh.”

“I’m gonna kill him,” Dorothea hisses under her breath.

“No. Don’t. If you kill him, you’ll lose your job.”

“ _Fine_.”

She puts on her fakest smile for the customer. Even the most personal of grudges must be kept secret while dealing with customers like these. Dorothea would hate to act unprofessional as much as she wishes to tear this man to shreds.

“Good evening, Dimitri,” she says, maintaining her composure.

“Dorothea! What a wonderful surprise,” he greets her warmly. She can feel the daggers behind his words.

“It’s always a pleasure to see you as well,” she responds, a sick venom behind her sweet words, “But we’re not here to talk. You’re here to eat, so let me serve you. Perhaps I could start you off with a nice wine? Our Cabernet-Sauvignon is to die for.”

Or maybe some rat poison. Whatever he prefers.

“No wine for me tonight. I’ll stay with water.”

Of course he will.

“Okay. I’ll give you some time to order and be back in a few minutes.” Dorothea turns on her heel and escapes to the kitchen.

Edelgard nearly chews a hole through Dorothea’s uniform. “That man’s got a lot of nerve coming in here after all he’s done to me. What’s he trying to do? Torment me? I’ll bite his ankles.”

“Oh, trust me, I’ll give him a piece of my mind after my shift.” Dorothea picks Edelgard up by the scruff of her neck. “And Edie, darling, can you please refrain from biting a hole through my uniform? This outfit cost me half a paycheck.”

“Right. Sorry. I have all these new strange habits. I don’t quite have full control of them yet.”

At that moment, a cook walks by on his way out for a cigarette break. He passes the two, only briefly glancing at Dorothea who appears to be talking to herself. The two make eye contact, and Dorothea promptly hides Edelgard behind her back.

“Sorry. Important phone call,” she says, trying to brush it off casually, “My doctor says I’m officially hemorrhoid free.”

The cook gives her an uncomfortable look and decides he has better things to do than process that statement.

“Uh, congratulations?” He answers.

“Thanks!”

He leaves without another word.

“Wait, you have hemorrhoids?” Edelgard asks, crawling back up to her shoulder.

“I do not! I was improvising to make him leave.”

“But hemroids?”

“It was the first thing to mind.”

“It’s still gross.”

“Oh, c’mon, Edie. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”

Eventually, Dorothea regrettably returns to Dimitri's table. The man sits hunched over looking at his phone. His giant hand makes the device look like a child's toy. The chair below him seems to slowly collapse under his enormous size. His knees rub against the bottom of the table. He does not seem comfortable. Such a big man should not be seated at such a small table. Dorothea giggles to herself at the sight. She quickly retains her professional image before she approaches.

"Do you need more time to order?" She asks.

"Steak," Dimitri says plainly, "Bloody."

"Oh, we can do bloody." She scribbles something on her notepad that slightly resembles words. In her mind, a different bloody scene plays out.

The man gets his meal, a giant steak fit for two people. He grabs a fork and knife and digs in. Dorothea is surprised he doesn’t grab it with his bare hands and tear at it like a wild animal. It is half gone by the time Dorothea returns to the table.

“How are you enjoying your meal?” She asks politely. She still wants that tip.

He doesn’t bother finishing his mouthful before answering, “Did Edelgard make this?”

The sounds of her name catches Dorothea off guard. Edelgard stirs in her pocket at her name.

“No. She’s been missing for over two weeks now,” she replies, maintaining her composure. Her lip twitches.

“Ah. That explains why this steak is actually good.”

This man is boldly testing Dorothea’s patience. She returns his statement with the fakest of smiles. “Well, Edelgard got hired over you, so what does that say about your cooking abilities?”

“Are you insulting me, the customer? Dorothea, that’s highly unprofessional behavior.”

“I didn’t say anything that could be considered an insult. I simply asked a question.”

Dimitri grits his teeth. “Fine. If you want to play that game.”

“Why are you here, anyway?” Dorothea asks.

“To speak to your manager,” he answers, “I was wondering if you were hiring.”

“We’re not.”

“Really? Aren’t you missing a sous-chef? I’m surprised they filled that position so fast.”

“We’re not looking for one, so don’t even try it.”

“Now, now, Dorothea, let’s not be hasty.” Seteth steps into the mix. He looks at Dimitri. “We’ve actually been accepting applications at the moment. We would be more than happy to review your resume.”

“Wonderful,” Dimitri says with a smile.

He ends the night with a meager tip. With the kitchen staff thoroughly angered and exhausted, it is time for Dorothea to leave. She tries to hurry out the second she sees Dimitri exit the building. but Seteth takes much too long to give her the okay to leave. Each bill must be counted and recounted. Once he does, she vanishes into thin air

"Dorothea, where are you going so fast?" Edelgard asks, poking out of her shirt.

"He can’t just say that shit about you and think he can get away scot free. I’m giving him a piece of my mind whether he likes it or not," Dorothea mutters. She balls her hands into fists and walks faster.

She manages to catch Dimitri right as he is getting into his car. A sole street light shines down on him.

"You stop right there!" She shouts from across the street.

Dimitri looks up, and immediately pretends not to notice her. He quietly unlocks his car. Dorothea races after him. An oncoming car slams on the brakes, nearly crashing into her. It spirals out of the way, and the driver lays on the horn. She is too angry to notice. Dimitri sees the woman storming across the street to get him and hastily jumps into his car. The door slams shut, and the car revs on. This does not deter Dorothea. In a fit of rage, she grabs the door and forces it open. Dimitri holds onto the door and tries to pull it closed. Some feral being inside Dorothea takes over and forces the door out of his grasp. The door nearly falls off its hinges.

"What are you doing?" Dimitri asks, visibly distressed. His eyes are wide with panic. "I'll call the police."

He reaches for his phone only for Dorothea to snatch it out of his hands. She smashes it onto the ground without batting an eye.

"We're talking. Now," she growls, “Let me in the car.”

“Are you insane, woman? Leave me alone!” Dimitri uselessly reaches for the door, but some ungodly strength keeps Dorothea hanging on. She rips his hands from the door.

“Move it.” Dorothea welcomes herself into his car. The horn beeps as she awkwardly climbs over him into the passenger seat.

“What are you doing?” He hisses.

“Shut up and drive.” She tumbles into the passenger seat and struggles to get herself upright.

“Are you kidnapping me?”

“Don’t tempt me. Now, drive.”

He has no choice but to obey her, so he drives away.

“Do you wish to explain yourself?” Dimitri asks after a couple blocks.

“Yes. I know what you did,” Dorothea says.

“That’s hardly an explanation. I’ve done a lot of things. What did I do exactly?”

“You’re the reason Edelgard disappeared. I need you to bring her back.”

“I did no such thing.”

“You did! She told me.”

Dimitri turns to look at her, promptly swerving the car and forcing him to look back to the road. Dorothea, who is not wearing a seatbelt, slams into the door.

“She did _what_?” He exclaims, “There’s no way.”

“Yeah, bitchface. I know exactly what you did.”

Still, he denies it. He retains his calm demeanor. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Dorothea reaches into her shirt and pulls out Edelgard. “Then explain this!”

He glances over to see the rat in her hands. Again, he swerves the car, making Dorothea fly into the door once more. “Have you been carrying around a rat in your shirt this entire time?”

“Of course I have. She’s my best friend.”

“I-” He pauses a moment, absolutely baffled as how to answer. “I need to pull over.”

He pulls into a McDonald's parking lot. A few cars linger in drive through. The other two are parked behind the building by the dumpsters. No one pays them any notice. As soon as Dimitri puts the car in park, Dorothea slaps him.

"What was that for?" He hisses, putting a hand to his sore cheek.

Dorothea shrugs. "I don't know. It felt right."

"Fine. I'll let you have that," Dimitri responds calmly, "Now, can you please tell me what is going on?"

"I was hoping _you_ would tell _me_ what the hell is going on," she says, poking him violently in the chest, "Why did you turn Edelgard into a rat? To get revenge? To ruin her life? Tell me!"

"I did not do anything of the sort."

"Liar!"

"I speak the truth."

"You’re lying, and you know it. Spit it out," Dorothea growls at him. She slaps him again. "Edelgard, bite him."

"What?" Edelgard asks confusedly.

"Did that rat just talk?" Dimitri turns white as a ghost.

"Yes. This is Edelgard. You’re the reason she looks like this." She shakes the rat in front of his face. He turns his face away from the rodent in both disgust and shame.

"I didn't know she would still be able to talk," he says, sounding distressed.

"Aha! You admit it!" Dorothea yells, "Edie, bite him anyway."

"I am not putting that man in my mouth," the rat refuses. She shakes her head no.

"Ugh, fine. I’ll do it."

Dimitri panics. “Dorothea, please!”

Dorothea puts her hand up to slap him again, but Dimitri stops her. His large hand easily restrains her wrist. She fights back, but he is too strong.

"Enough of that!" He groans, "Get out of my car!"

"Not until you tell me how to change Edie back!"

"You can't!"

Dorothea's heart drops. She must have heard that wrong. "What? You can’t be serious."

"I never asked the witch if there was a way to reverse the spell. I didn't need one. I have no intention of turning Edelgard back, and certainly no intention of helping you," Dimitri explains.

"You have to know!" She shakes him by the shoulder, blinking back tears. "Tell me!"

"I won't tell. As long as Edelgard is a rat, she'll stay out of my way."

"I will end your life." There is a certain ferociousness behind her words. It visibly shakes Dimitri.

"I think you should leave," Dimitri says, "Even if I wanted to help you, I have nothing to offer."

"Fine. I never want to see you again anyway."

"Likewise."

"Bitch." She slams the door and storms away from the car. Dimitri quietly drives away without even sparing a glance in their direction. Dorothea walks through the dark streets. She walks for what feels like hours until she cannot feel her legs anymore. Edelgard sits on her shoulder, unsure of what to say.

"Dorothea, are you okay?" She finally asks.

"Do I look okay?" Dorothea answers back.

"It's okay, Dorothea. You did your best. That's all I can ask of you. I appreciate all you've done for me."

"But it's not enough. You're still a rat."

"That's okay."

"It's not! I want you back," Dorothea cries. A crack of lightning, and the sky explodes with rain. Fitting.

"I know. Me too. But we've done all we can do. It's time to move on. I'll adjust to my new life as long as I have you by my side," Edelgard says comfortingly.

"But I want you by my side as a human."

"That's just not possible anymore."

"I refuse to believe that."

"Dorothea, please. You’ve already done so much for me. Don’t let it weigh on your shoulders."

Dorothea is sobbing now. Her vision goes blurry as her eyes fill with tears. She can barely see the road ahead. Rain pours down on her, making her hair stick to her face.

Edelgard nuzzles against her cheek. "Dorothea, it's okay. We'll be okay."

"It's not okay!"

"Dorothea, is there something else wrong?"

"I can't tell you," Dorothea says through a sob,

"You can tell me if you want. I’m here for you.”

Her lip quivers. She can barely find the strength to let the words out. "I love you, Edie. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Dorothea. I thought you knew that."

"I mean as more than friends. When Hubert told me about your feelings for me, I thought maybe I had a chance, but you're a rat. I'm confessing my love to a rat! I feel ridiculous," the woman groans with frustration. She wipes the tears from her cheek. It does nothing in the pouring rain.

"You feel the same way?" Edelgard asks with a nervous squeak.

"Yes. I've been holding it in for years. I don't know what to do with myself anymore."

"Dorothea, I need you to breathe. Just breathe. I may be a rat, but I'm still Edelgard. The same Edelgard you went to high school with. The one that cried with you in your car after you got dumped on prom night. The same Edelgard who wouldn't miss one of your shows for the world. The same Edelgard who's been in love with you since the day we met."

Dorothea sniffles, “Do you mean all that?”

“Yes. I would never lie to you.” Edelgard puts a reassuring paw on her cheek.

“I’ve been in love with you for so long, but I’ve always been so afraid of ruining our friendship. God, the irony of you feeling the same way hurts even worse.”

“It shouldn’t hurt, Dorothea.”

“But it does! I’m confessing my love to my childhood best friend who is a rat! I can’t date a rat! I can’t even help my best friend. Is life trying to play some cruel joke on me?” Dorothea stomps her foot on the ground.

Edelgard pauses a moment, choosing her words carefully. “I know dating a rat would be a ridiculous notion, but I would like to date you when I turn back into a human.”

“If,” Dorothea corrects her.

“No. I will turn back. I’ll do it for you.”

There is some comfort in her words. Still, Dorothea cannot help but feel sad. The rain lets up slightly.

“God, at this point it would just be easier for me to turn into a rat.”

“Please don’t do that. Rats are terrifying.”

“Really? After all this time?”

The rat nods. “I can’t stand the sight of my own reflection.”

Dorothea laughs, “I see I’ve fallen in love with my best friend who’s afraid of her own reflection.”

“And I’ve fallen for you twice as hard.”

“It really had to take you turning into a rat for you to start flirting with me?”

“Life works in mysterious ways.”

“God, what am I gonna do with you?”

“You could scratch behind my ears. I always enjoy when you do that,” Edelgard responds.

“Really?” Dorothea cradles the rat in her arms and scratches behind her ears. Edelgard leans into the touch. They walk quietly for a bit. Finally, the rain stops. The world around them goes silent.

Edelgard pipes up with a quiet squeak, “May I say something?”

“Of course.”

“I may be stuck as a rat, but I’m the happiest rat on Earth with you by my side.”

“Edie, you’re too sweet. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

With that, Dorothea feels a swell in her chest. She's filled first with love and then a twinge of uncertainty. She quickly swallows down any negative feelings for she finally has what she's been longing for for years. Even if Edelgard is a rat, they still love each other. The emotions are overwhelming. Dorothea wants nothing more than to kiss Edelgard.

So she does.

She holds the rat to her lips and plants a kiss on her forehead. Suddenly, a bright flash of light blinds her. The rat before her grows heavy and starts to take the form of a human. What was once paws become hands. Before she knows it, Edelgard stands before her on two legs, no longer a rodent. Dorothea could cry with happiness.

Edelgard stares at her hands, taken aback by her new form. She can barely manage a word. “I’m-I-”

Dorothea lunges at her, pulling her into a tight embrace and kisses her on the cheek. “Edelgard, I missed you.”

“I’ve been right here this whole time,” Edelgard laughs. She hugs Dorothea back, never wanting to let go. She picks her up and twirls her around. “I’m glad to be back.”

“I’m glad you’re back too.”

Dorothea kisses her again. This time, on her human lips. They stand hugging each other for what feels like forever.

Finally, they pull away. Both of them are breathless.

“Hey, Dorothea?”

“Yes, Edie?”

“I’m not wearing any clothes.” Edelgard hugs herself. In their euphoria, they both missed one key detail.

“Shit.” Dorothea whips her coat off and throws it over the naked woman. It is barely long enough to cover her behind. They run home.

\----

Getting home with the shroud of the night was easy. Navigating an apartment building is something else. Luckily, at this point, the clock ticks well past midnight. Only stoners and fast food workers are awake at these hours. Luckily, neither of those people would question a mostly naked woman walking through their apartment building. Still, Edelgard is nervous. She timidly creeps behind Dorothea, constantly checking behind her.

“Do you see anyone?” She asks constantly.

“No one’s here. You’re safe,” Dorothea assures her.

“I would die if anyone saw me like this.”

“Do you want me to get naked too? My boobs are bigger, so they’ll be looking at me not you.”

“That’s hardly necessary.”

“Oh, I get it. Save it for later, then.”

“Dorothea, this is hardly the time for flirting.”

“Right. Right. Follow me.”

They slip through the halls undetected. Edelgard slams the door behind them the second she steps inside. She takes a moment to catch her breath.

“We did it!” Dorothea cheers, “I can’t believe all I had to do was kiss you.”

“We could have fixed this problem a month ago,” Edelgard says with a sigh.

“Yeah, but we never would have… you know.”

“Been honest about our feelings?”

“Yeah. Do we still want to do that?”

“Dorothea, I’m never going to leave your side.”

“Good because you’re stuck with me now.” Dorothea moves in to kiss her again, this time only a loving peck on her forehead.

The two settle down, and the world goes quiet once more. Everything feels peaceful, and Edelgard can finally relax again. She lets out a lengthy yawn.

“I need to sleep. I’m exhausted,” she says, “I can’t wait to sleep on an actual bed again.”

“And I can’t wait to be right there next to you,” Dorothea answers. Immediately, she feels embarrassed. “Uh, if you’re okay with that.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love yall hope u enjoyed and maybe read my other stuff idk up to you

**Author's Note:**

> literally everything else i write is better i promise


End file.
